The Anatomy of Me

Today is the worst day of my life. Several issues were thrown directly at my face, that during my Public Speaking class, I was literally sober. My classmates even noticed (me being a jolly person in class) how much my mood had been greatly affected.

As a form of respect to the concerned parties, I would defer from naming names, and would rather resolve to the use of symbols instead.

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I was totally taken aback by what happened today. I came home early, fell asleep, and then woke up staring at the wall. I just lay there, trying to collect whatever scattered thoughts I might have had, and trying to figure out where to start and how.

I was wondering if the planetary alignment was off again,  if the earth at the very last minute, decided to take a different route and set the whole cosmic thingy into a temporary imbalance .

It wasn’t just me; Many of my friends were also having a bad day. It was as if all hell broke lose today. darn day.

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I am starting to be wary (and hateful) of the teenage drama around me. I’m turning 20 this year and by all means, the raging teenage hormones around me is killing me.

Everyone has to be a b*tch. Everyone around me has to have his own agenda of trying to make a scene.

I know life is a stage, but not all of us were born to be actors.

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I was talking to a friend awhile ago who, because of my insistence, relayed that “I have started to look mayabang”.

She recalls seeing me one to two years ago, walking timidly, heads bowed down, soft spoken and all. And now, I speak, walk and talk boastfully- or at least that’s how she sees it.

By all means, and this being my blog, let me just put my two cents in: I am not mayabang (boastful).

For starters, let us define the word mayabang o rather, let us establish what it means to be mayabang. Often times we judge other people as mayabang without even a concrete basis of what is mayabang.

Does eloquence, social stature, or even social visibility define what we think is mayabang? Does that mean that people who have a name in a society or who are socially visible automatically classify as mayabang?

Are intelligent people automatically mayabang?

I say this because I do not fall among any of the above mentioned. I am not smart, I just happen to read alot. I am not good in speaking, I just muster enough courage to ‘go by the books’ and lastly, I am not famous. I just happen to be lucky enough to be known by the person you asked about me.

I am friendly, and jolly. That’s everything there is to me. People say that I look mayabang because of the way I act but if you just try to get to know me more, to sit beside me and chat, you’ll see the real me. The real talkative person named Kurt.

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I am firm in my stand to please nobody anymore. For even just one day, I’d like to be myself without people telling me how to talk and act and how to be. It sucks living up to people’s expectations but it hurts even more to have to live up to what people believe is the real you.

‘Coz what sucks is that at the end of the day, when I’ve betrayed myself in order to please everybody, no one gets to be pleased- and people demand even more.

Reminds of the story ‘All’s well that ends well’. shoot.

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Here’s a part-transcript of a chat I had with a friend. I guess it sumarizes everything I’d like to tell you all:

P.A is a friend of mine

P.A: ung first impression ko rin wala kang kahinaan
P.A: na hindi ka nagpapatalo
P.A: na ikaw lang ang magaling
P.A: naniniwala ka tlga sa sarili mo
P.A: but when i get  to know you more
P.A: dun ko nalaman na may drama ka rin
P.A: na minsan nanghihina ka rin
P.A: pero di mo nga lang sinasabi pero ramdam ko
P.A: at alam kong ayaw mo yun ipakita kasigagawin mo lahat para di malaman ng iba na may kahinaan ka rin

I just try to cover up my weaknesses with what you see. But when you actually get to know me more, you’ll see how fragile I am inside, how easy I am to break.

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I’m starting to think I belong to the lower level of the food chain- the group of animals that get to be eaten by the bigger ones. Maybe that’s why I try to toughen myself up – to not get eaten.

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Sean Penn gained a few remarkable reactions from the public with this acceptance speech at the 81st Academy awards. I really admire the guy. At the very least, he has the balls to say what he wants. Plus, he knows where to hit ’em real good.

Here’s the video:

PENN: “I think it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect, and anticipate their great shame, and the shame in their grandchildren’s eyes if they continue that way of support. We’ve got to have equal rights for everyone. “I’m very, very proud to live in a country that is willing to elect an elegant man President, and a country who, for all its toughness, creates courageous artists.”

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