**Note: This is a very long post of 1558 words. Make sure IE or Firefox loads everything**
With all the thoughts I realized I had in my head about sex without love, I realized it would give better justice if I were to share what I think about the topic. (Its five hours until my next class! I have to do something! LOL)
I’ve said alot in my previous post about sex without love. In fact, I’ve practically covered every important detail about how I feel that the absence of love in sex is nothing. But reading online about it gave me other insights and its nice to mix them all up and see what becomes of this post.
I write in the general context of sex because I understand that sex is universal, it is available to both heterosexuals and homosexuals; And some of my gay friends who frequently drop by my blog, would sincerely appreciate it.
So, here it goes:
“How do they do it, the ones who make love without love?”
-Sex without Love, Sharon Olds
Sex is considered to be one of the most controversial topics man kind can ever talk about. Just imagine how interested a room of people could be if someone starts the sex talk, and how much insight each and everyone has on the topic. And yet, there’s more to sex than what meets the eye – there is more to just the kiss and the caress, as sex has been much attributed to love. Hence, the term “love making”.
But how could other people have sex without emotion, without love? How could some jump from one bed to another, equating the act of sexual union to be just like a simple kiss? You peck someone’s cheek and then it’s over?
You feel the heat and the passion burning inside you, that’s why you promised to pick up one person you might know, to help ease the feeling. You both go to your pad or somewhere it might be safe and you both undress, caressing, kissing, living to the term of “making love”. But how could you make love if it was just pure lust?
After the deed is done, he or she stays for awhile, chats with you, maybe even for some fun. But then the time comes, he or she would have to leave. You escort him or her through the door, and then, once again, you are alone.
In the perspective of those who have sex without emotion, without love, they feel that sex is just like a kiss. You never had to feel anything for somebody but you just had to kiss him/her. There was no vision of a future, but you still locked lips because of the intense moment. Sex, for them, is just like that. You never had to feel anything, but your craving for a different kind of satisfaction was so strong that you had to do it with someone else. It doesn’t have to have meaning, it just starts and ends there.
But for those who believe that sex should be with love, they find that loveless sex is nothing but pure, unexpressed desire for longingness for love and appreciation. Some people have sex without emotion because they feel valued, cared for, or “loved” even for just a small period of time. The illusion of being needed by somebody else in that very moment, satisfies not only their intense sexual cravings but also the urge to be appreciated, their self-esteem rises the minute.
I even heard of one friend (She, status: single) who enjoyed having casual sex. She was obese and felt very unattractive and the casual sex gave her a sense of appreciation she has long been craving for – the feeling to be wanted, to be loved, even if just for a few minutes. Somebody even argued that it battles the feeling of being alone.
But then, what is the purpose of feeling loved and appreciated for only a ‘few minutes’? Why should one settle for a minute of “illusion” rather than go for the real thing?
My personal experience from many many years back tells me that sex without love does give you a sense of satisfaction. First, it answers your inner craving for the extraordinary hunger you might feel. But most importantly, it makes you feel important, it removes the feeling of being alone and being lonely, and makes you feel wanted by your partner. Deep within you know that he/she needs nothing but to satisfy him/herself, that there is no real connection, but still you choose to – because you don’t want to spend another minute all alone.
But I came to the point that I realized that it was just plain pathetic and it wasn’t just the real thing. When the clock strikes midnight, the feeling of being lonely and alone still came back to me. It was good to have company around, even for just an hour, but wouldn’t it have been better if the person I had sex with, stayed?
Wouldn’t it have felt nice to share it to one person alone – the same person you wake up to every single day, knowing that regardless of whether the passion exists or not, you are loved, appreciated and cared for? Your innermost desires are satisfied by one person alone? That when the time comes that you realize you need more than just sex, there’s this somebody whose forged a commitment to stay with you, through thick and thin?
I always argue that we have a choice. As I put it earlier, you could get laid anytime but could you be loved anytime? The passion may last but what if you spent all the time looking for the wrong people or making the wrong decisions? We are only given a small time to be at our peak – to be attractive to others, to be youthful, in order for us to find that person we would like to share the rest of our lives with. But time comes that our marketability (as I used to say) drops and by that time, what if you haven’t found your partner yet?
What we have in our lives are brought about by the very choices we made through our words, actions, and thoughts.
We are unhappy, enjoying the illusion of sex with love because we choose to. Our miseries in life are simply of our own doing. And we become loved, adorned, and we feel a sense of pride in a real relationship because we chose to be there- to have it.
Yesterday in class, we were talking about how man at the age of 50+, loses the libidinal energy and craving. And then I asked, “If I lose mine at the age of 50 and I will live up to 80, what would I be doing then? How do I satisfy myself then?”
My classmates practically laughed it off but they gave me a good idea to think about: that’s why we have relationships. We build relationships not just for the almighty purpose of sex but for companionship and love, so that when the time comes that sex is nothing but a wonderful memory of the past, we still find someone at our side, accompanying us through the years.
I guess these are things that people who have sex without love would never have or feel: they would never really find meaning in what they do. They will always be looking for love and acceptance, pride in oneself and people with genuine interest in them but they would never do so, because they settle with what is imaginary, what is unreal and what is temporary.
They will never feel how it is to be really happy, secured, and in love in the arms of someone who committed himself (herself) to them, forever. They will always be seen for how they look, how they may appeal to others but no one really gets to know them for who they really are or who they would really be. Their potentials are disregarded, their identity would never be known, their dreams, hopes, desires will forever be irrelevant to their partners who would only want to have them for more or less, an hour.
And what if the looks are gone? Who would be there to stay? When they feel scared, who would listen? If they feel excited, who would care?
Unless their “partners” are aroused, maybe someone would give a d*mn. But even then, there is no guarantee. After all, he or she (the partner) might just say “I came for the sex. If wanted the drama, I would have stayed with somebody else other than you”.
Surely, I would not want that for anyone, not even myself. But the choice is not mine to make. As much as I would love everyone to wake up in the arms of their love, feeling wanted, loved and appreciated – our dreams, qualms, thoughts and aspirations all given importance, I could do nothing for others.
Simply, because they chose to be in that misery.
To my readers who enjoy sex without love, I hope that the next time you open your door at home for sex, and then close it, you would never have to open it again. Because the person who just came in, suddenly decided to stay : )
P.S. I have written my other thoughts about this on my post entitled “Sex and Changes”.