“Love” and In “Love”

Note to readers: if you read this for whatever reason, I’d like to believe you’re meant to learn something out of it. Nothing happens by coincidence; and real life learning occurs when we least expect it.

I was reading online and came across something that I’ve been talking about unconsciously to a friend I was in the phone with earlier. It’s not much, though, just something to pique your interest.

Did you ever know that there is a fine line that separates love and being in love?

Yes, there is and as surprised as I was, it was nice knowing that the theory of love and being in love is widely known by many couples who’ve been together for a long time, not just a point of view shared by some guy.

So what is being in love then?

Remember the feeling of seeing your special someone? When he or she walks down the aisle and you feel so in love, when you look at him or her in the eye and feel pride in yourself? Remember how, as you look at him or her, you feel happy, knowing that you’ve been given one of the best people there is in the planet?  When you date outside, you feel that spark?

And then there are those nights you smile when you receive a text message from him or her. You smile thinking about the memories you had together. You laugh at his jokes and feel “in love” every single time you wake up, or think about him.

That is what you call you “being in love”. Most of the time, you feel it the most during the first few months when everything’s new, when there’s much to discover, when there’s a surprise at every corner.

Just like what my mom says, ” It’s always like that during the first few months. The feeling of forever; of being made for each other. You think “this is it!” and you find yourself entranced by the mere feeling.”

But what if the feeling goes away? What if there would be no more surprises? What if you’ve mastered much of the person that there’s nothing else to figure out? What if you wake up one day, and everything’s changed and you realize, “It isn’t the same as before”. You start to have problems and the squabbles begin, up until you decide you separate.

And what about love, you ask?

Well, the answer is in the form of a question for you to answer yourself: “After everything said, the feeling of being in love gone, the problems that come your way festering you every minute, What did you do?”. That my friend, spells the difference.

Each and everyone of us will feel ‘in love’ sooner or later. It would always be the same for the first few months but when you started getting into fights, what did you do? Did you give up?

The fine line that separates “being in love” with “love” is that people who ‘love’ choose to stay despite the problems and the trials, and the frustration that come their way. Sooner or later, the lust will go, the “kilig” moments would go away and you are left with a choice- Do I look for someone else to give me the “feeling again” or have I found myself with someone, who, regardless of if there be “the feeling of being in love” or not, I choose to stay with?

And if I find someone who can satisfy me now, “How long will the satisfaction last? and if the feeling is over, should I move on to the next?”.

Surely, you can always “be in love” – but love is so much more to limit to just that- the real sense of pride is in being ‘loved’ and being ‘able to love’. And love takes time and determination, eagerness on your part and your loved one’s part to share, to give, to be; for even the most perfect relationships end up disastrously. And if you only go for the feeling, It would always be an unending cycle of changing partners when the “feeling is gone”.

Easy to change partners, you might say. *Guilty* But then time is wasted, emotions are wasted and had s/he been the one, her or his love was wasted too and it might never be the same.

Love is not just about the spark. It’s not about how great or how good looking your partner is, be it a boy or girl. It’s not about how stunned you look everytime you look at him or her or how mesmerized you are while he talks and shows off his/her smarts.

It’s about commitment – the decision to stay not only for companionship but because you realize, that beyond the spark and the feeling , still lies the desire to be with that somebody and that you know that that somebody would be the one for you.

Believe me, I was surprised at first to see it this way.

Sure people might not agree. “You need spark! You need the feeling!”, they might say. But ask couples who’ve been together for sometime, and they tell you it’s more than that. Surely their commitment for each other testifies that at some point, “it wouldn’t be the same but it’s okay”. Sooner or later, they say, you lose the spark but you still choose to stay for some reason you can’t explain. Despite the problems, despite his or her weaknesses and failures, you’re there. That is what love is about.

And to think I was telling a friend “I need to be in love again” without knowing how complicated my desires are right now. lol.

A nice quote I found online, which I would like to share:

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
– Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. “Love is the beauty of the soul.” –St. Augustine

I might fall for the wrong one tomorrow or on another day. I might even change for the better or for the worse. But at least now, I know that I did my best. If it’s over, then let it be. If it will be, it will be. What’s important is that I know what I’ve been looking for all along.

It’s not the “kilig“, not the feeling, not even the cheesiness of “being in love”. I’ve been waiting for ‘love’ all along. Pure commitment that that special someone would give me, without me having to ask.

It even came to me that “Love is to hold on when you should let go, to be there even if you know you’re not wanted, and to offer yourself for comfort even if you know s/he would not take it.” But it can never be one sided, and sooner or later, you realize you have to pack your bags and move on. Maybe it was good for you then, but not anymore.

I know I would not get what I want any time soon (maybe never, unless a miracle happens) but it pays knowing that God has something better in store for me and I find justice in that.

I think I’d stop going out to malls and party places looking for that special somebody. I think I’ll wait. The last time I waited, someone came. And knowing now how special my ‘future love‘ is, someone like that is worth all the wait. I think will wait for that someone to stay. I don’t need to “feel in love”, I need to be “loved” and to “love”.

How about you? Have you found the person who was meant to stay? : )

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