How much is your happiness worth?

“Know what? You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me”
-received via SMS

Sometimes, I can’t stop but wonder why at times, I feel so down worrying about things that may never happen; or feeling negative and panicky towards events that might happen but might. I always tend to miss my old self – when everything was just about being able to freely give without reservations or when loving meant bravery and selflessness.

And then I tend to ask myself over and over again. How have I become who I am now? Is it because I chose to or because I have forgotten how much I’m really worth?

Self-worth as I have figured out is something that we give ourselves, something that only we can work on. Importance, however, is something other people give us. And, no matter how unimportant we maybe to others, as long as we believe in our value, we will always be who we think we are – and vice versa.

A girl friend once asked me, “Am I ugly?” and I asked, “Why did you ask?” and she said, “Nothing, you can say yes, though” and I said “No. But we become what we think of ourselves”.

Happiness is a choice, damn right it is! Yet, there’s only so much happiness that we can bring to ourselves and sometimes, just sometimes,the other forms of happiness other people can give us. Life just happens that way.

“Where did the old Kurt go?”

Right now, I am happy. But worrying so much about stuff had made me forget about the real things happening around me that really make me happy.

It isn’t capability to head out everyday to grab some lunch at a fastfood; It isn’t even the Zagu or the fries, or the gummy worms we share It’s those meaningless walks we take under the rain, the moments we share under the dark star-filled sky dreaming about tomorrow, and the laughter we hear whenever we sneak past people to head to that dark corner of the world we call ours. It’s when I secretly hold your hand and I secretly see you smile.

“I try so hard to remember the things that made me happy only to find out, I just missed them – they were happening while I was thinking.

I am neither bitter nor hoping. I’ve fallen for someone who recognizes how much I’m really worth and is so afraid to lose me because of that – and vice versa.

To give love another shot.
I am, however, scared.

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